Purpose in Pain

Life in Uganda is so unpredictable. Today our friend Doreen invited us to a Bible study at the university that she goes to. She called yesterday to tell us about it, and in between the static of the phone and her accented English, I hung up the phone unsure of whether we were leading the study or just guests. Judging by our past awkward situations that we've had here, which of those do you think she was expecting? Yes, you've probably guessed right. We showed up to find out that she was expecting us to share something. Awesome. Nothing like being completely unprepared and on the spot. Thankfully Doreen shared her testimony first so D-rae and I had some time to come up with something.

As I was sitting there in a room of 10 Ugandan women, wondering what I could share with them to encourage them, and kicking myself for not having something planned in case of this very situation, I decided to just share my favorite verse and see where that took me. Thankfully God guided my thoughts and gave me the words to speak, and He taught me more while I was sharing than I could've ever taught those women. My favorite verse is Proverbs 16:9. We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. Speaking today was a good reminder to me of several things. 1) Never assume anything in Uganda. Even if you think you're not in charge of a Bible study, you probably are. 2) Don't speak too fast or for too long when someone is translating for you...this tends to make things more difficult. 3) Most importantly, God reminded me that He is in control. I may have plans for my life, but the direction that he takes me is always best.

I shared with the ladies a few paths that God has taken me on that I would have never expected. Five years ago if someone had told me I'd be living in Uganda at age 22, I probably would've laughed at them. I would've never dreamed that I would blow out my knee and end my basketball career so early. I had planned on playing all four years in college, but God had different ideas. I for sure never pictured losing my Dad when I was so young, but again, God is in control and he works all things for his good.

It's sometimes painful to look back on missed opportunities or unexpected twists and turns in life. But thankfully, the more I have experienced and the more I have grown, God has revealed to me his purpose in so many things. I see purpose in not playing basketball all four years. I definitely see purpose in the path that led me here to Uganda. The hardest of those situations to consistently see God's purpose in is the loss of my dad. There are days when I still question his plans. The pain of losing my dad is still so great, and it's hard at times to believe that there was good behind that situation. Pain is always easier to deal with when you can see the purpose in it, but I have to confess that there are many times when I fail to see any purpose in this part of my life. Today, more than ever before, I think I clearly saw a big part of the purpose behind that pain.

In that room of ten women, at least two of them have never met their birth mother. Doreen is an orphan. Every single woman in that room has lost their husband to death. The heartache and struggle in these women's lives was almost too much for me to hear today. Take Judith for example. She is a Rwandan and has never known her mother. Her dad was killed in the 1994 genocide. She fled to Uganda as a refugee and got married to a Ugandan. He then died and left her with six children to raise on her own. Or take the woman whose husband tried to kill her when she was pregnant with her fourth child. She now works at the university and sends all the money she makes home to send her children to school. These women know what it means to lose someone because they all have.

When I mentioned that I lost my dad when I was 15, there was a murmur and almost a moan from all the women. I shared that story with my friend Annah one time and she couldn't believe it. She didn't think that children lost parents when they were young in America. She thought that was only a problem in Africa, where AIDS is so rampant. Honestly, she was shocked to hear it, and I think her exact response was, "That is very uncommon in America, right?" Today I realized that maybe part of God's divine plan in me losing my dad so young was to be able to better understand and relate to the people that I am surrounded with now, seven years later. They have all known great pain in their life, and they understood my pain when I shared it today. I tried to imagine what my response to their heartbreaking stories might have been had I not experienced the loss of my dad. I don't think I would've been able to look at them with tears in my eyes and truly know their pain. I don't think I would've known what to say when it came time for me to share. I also think that my loss made me more real to them and more like them. The differences between us are obvious, but our losses connected us today.

I walked away from the Bible study today thanking God that he determines my steps. I am thankful that even though I make all kinds of plans for my life, in the end, his plan will always be done. I am not in control, and I'm just so thankful that He is. His ways are hard for us to understand at times, but I'm thankful for times like today where his ways make a little more sense to us.. Today I felt like he was taking off the blinders and revealing to me the purpose in the pain of losing my dad. I am so thankful for the ways that he is using the loss of my dad to reach people even today, in Uganda. My prayer today is that when it feels like my life is taking the wrong direction, I can rest in the peace of knowing that if God is leading me, it's always the right direction.