My Heart's Desire

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do,
but what I hate I do.
Romans 7:15

Can anyone completely relate to this verse besides me? I feel like this verse is my thought at the end of each day. It resonates in my mind as I lay down and think about the day. It seems like each day I wake up with such good intentions. I intend to start my day in prayer and studying the Bible. I intend to love others around me unconditionally. I intend to prioritize my life around God, who should never leave the forefront of my mind. I intend to see others the way that God does rather then through my own judgmental eyes. I intend to not live in the past but rather be fully in the present. I intend so many good things throughout the day, but how many of them do I actually do.

I think that Paul was really bearing his heart for all of us in this verse. This continual failure and struggle that he admits is something that I'm all too often too proud to let others know about myself. But at the same time, it's one of my biggest struggles. I really appreciate what was shared in chapel this morning. A guy who has been a Christian all his life, grown up as a preacher's kid, and has really never known anything else other than the Christian life, shared his story. Even though that's a great way to be brought up, it carries with it some dangers that he identified. The one that I really can relate to is the danger of becoming lukewarm in the life that you've always known. That's so easy to do and I feel like the above verse is simply the action that manifests itself from the feeling of being lukewarm. When we're not truly passionately seeking God and we're content to just kind of slide by, we start doing things that we don't really desire to do.

I strongly believe that seeking God, spending time with him, and following him wholeheartedly cuts down on this painful disappointment of always falling short of our intentions. Do I think that it completely removes this struggle? Absolutely not. I think it's something that is always going to be hard, no matter where you're at in your Christian walk, but it's encouraging to me that Paul wrote about this battle within himself centuries ago. Obviously it was something that was important enough to him to write about, and also something that he struggled with. Paul, one of the most passionate, zealous, and most ACTIVE early Christians, fell into the sin of complacency and inactivity. He himself struggled with his actions not lining up with his desires. That's encouraging to me. I think it's so easy for us to think that we're the only ones who struggle with a particular sin. That's so untrue and I think another lie that Satan leads us to believe in order to keep us from sharing our burdens with one another. I would venture to say that most Christians struggle with this and that comforts me.

I think it's safe to say that sharing some sort of song lyric is going to be a constant fixture in these blog ramblings of mine. I love music and I really feel like so many songs have such wise things to say. They often seem to say them much better than I can so I figure, why keep rambling, when they've already said it best. And let me just put in a plug for using the random feature on Itunes. It's amazing the songs that "randomly" pop up just when you need to hear them.

This one is by my favorite artist, Sara Groves. Let me tell you that this woman knows how to write lyrics, and I think she has a song out there for every thing I've ever felt. This one is called "Hello Lord," and it's her talking to God after being gone from him for awhile.

I don't doubt your sovereignty. I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing. And I desparately want to do the right thing. But right now i don't hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up.

My simple prayer today is that I listen to God and what he's trying to tell me. Maybe then I can live out the way that my heart desires for me to live.

The Simplicity of Grace

I had a conversation with a friend tonight. A friend who I am convinced is one of the best and very dearest friends that God could ever bless me with. I'm so thankful for the way she shapes and refines me and tonight was no different.

We decided to be real with each other tonight. I know that might sound silly for me to say about such a close friend, but it's so easy to wear masks even with the ones that know us the best. I hate that about relationships. I hate that we tend to cover up things from the ones that would love us no matter what we uncovered, and in fact, probably love us even more. So anyways, we were talking about life and the things we struggle with. She said some things that I've been feeling lately, and she said some things that hit me hard. I apologize ahead of time if this gets long...I've got a lot to say tonight

Don't you hate it when you feel so far from God that you can't even remember how to get back to Him? I've felt that way so many times in my life. I hate the roller coaster of faith that I sometimes live, and I hate that I'm so inconsistent. I love the mountain top experiences, but I hate the valleys in between. I hate being in the valley, wondering how I fell from my high, but being unable to remember how to get back there. I felt this way towards the end of last semester. Life was busy and out of control and I just felt lost. I felt so far from God. I wasn't praying, I wasn't reading my Bible, and I was lost. Deep down, I knew that all I had to do was just whisper to God that I was ready to come home. That's it. It's that simple. But it always takes me so long to realize that. So often when I reach these points in my life, I tend to believe that I've got to have this eloquent, well-thought out, well-written prayer in order to get back in the good graces of God. What a lie that Satan has led me to believe! I hate that I, and I think many Christians today, tend to make grace such a complicated issue. Grace is amazing, but it's not meant to be so complex. I believe that when we get down to the heart of the gospel, it's meant to be something so simple. Jesus' blood saves us...end of story. All God asks is that we seek Him. He doesn't ask us to have it all together, all the time. He doesn't ask us to have the right words when we've failed or the right prayer asking for forgiveness. He just asks us to be his, even when we're not sure where to start. I am so thankful for that. I am thankful that He is a God who is willing to meet us right where we're at.

I opened up Itunes to listen to some music after I finished talking with my friend, and for those of you who know me well, you know that one of my little quirks is listening to my music on random. So I hit the shuffle button, skipped through some random Destiny's Child and N'Sync from my high school days, and the first song that appealed to me was Hallelujah, Your love is Amazing by Phillips, Craig, and Dean. This is what I heard....

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging.
Your love is a mountain firm beneath my feet.
Your love is a mystery of how you gently lift me,
When I am surrounded your love carries me.

Instead of getting so caught up in the roller coaster that we sometimes call faith, why don't we just try to consistently grow. God's love and his grace are a mystery to me, but maybe that's ok. Just maybe it's ok that I don't completely understand this grace thing. All I know is that it's amazing, and I want to let it be simple. I'm sick of living from mountain top experience to mountain top experience. I'm ready to just seek Him every day, and let him be the mountain firm beneath my feet.

Slowing down

In the past 3 1/2 years of being at Harding, one thing that I've really come to appreciate about Arkansas is that it doesn't get nearly as cold in the winter as it does in Illinois. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy the cold change of winter, but not always to the extreme of Illinois winters. It's been a nice change here at school because when it gets cold, it's not as cold, and it's not cold for so long. The past week however, I've felt like I was back in IL. It's been in the 20's most of the days, with highs in the 30's. I've spent the majority of my time inside, and when I have had to be outside, I've been bundled up, and walking from class to class as quickly as possible. Today, it's a little warmer, and as I walked a little more slowly on my way back from chapel, I noticed, again for the thousandth time, how beautiful our campus is. I love that about Harding, and it seems like it gets more beautiful every year. The thing I realized is that the campus has been this beautiful every day this week, but because I kept my head down to block the wind, and only worried about getting to the next heated building, I didn't notice it. I hate that I do that so often in life. I get so caught up in the busyness of my days, and the overall stresses of life, that I don't take the time to slow down and notice the beauty around me and the blessings that are constantly there. That's something I want to be better about this year. I want to always take the time to slow down, and recognize the things that I have in my life. I want to slow down and savor my last semester with my friends and last times with my family before leaving. Because when we do that, when we take the time to pause, it's amazing the things that God can show us.

Beginnings...and Ends

Well, I've attempted xanga and I'm a huge facebook fan, so I guess it's time to jump on this bandwagon and see how many people will actually read what I have to say. Ok...so that's not it at all. I really just figured that this would be an easy way to post pictures and stories about my experiences in Uganda next year so I decided to go ahead and set one up while I've got some free time over Christmas break. It's hard to believe that it's already time to go back to school. The four weeks at home have been great, but they have flown. I've had such an awesome time spending time with my friends, family, wonderful brothers and sisters, and two beautiful nieces. But it's been kind of a bittersweet time because this is the last time that my whole family will be together before I leave for Africa. It's also my last Christmas for awhile since I won't be able to come home next year. Each time I'm with my family, I think it hits me a little more just how hard it will be to be away from them for so long. I can't even begin to imagine how much bigger and changed KJ and Sid will be when I see them next. As excited as I am for my experience in Uganda, it's tough sometimes to realize the things that I'm going to be giving up. Thankfully I've still got a few months left to soak up the time with the people I love and that mean so much to me.